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Apr. 17th, 2016

Jesus fuck what have I done. What have I fucking donnneee.
How many people know I like him now from this one weekend, alone. Five at the absolute minimum, and that's IF no one decided to "share".. And then I go and drop two giant bombs, one that my first time was when I was 12, the other that I've only had sex six times in my entire life.. Holy mother of god. What am I doing. I don't do this. I don't share shit like this and now I still have two days of training with him, plus two weeks of streamline with an hour meeting every morning, then I just work with the guy for however long he decides to stay here?? That's fucking messy. I'm such a mess. Holy fuck.

Also 256!

Hurt heart

This is so dumb. So. Dumb.
I lost another half a pound (yay!)
Can't truly be happy cause I have three of your pictures saved in my phone and now every time I look through my camera roll (which is surprisingly often??) I get happy and sad at the same time every time I see your fucking face.

Ughhhhhhhhhh.
You know, I was actually just thinking a few months back, too, that I haven't crushed on someone BIG time in like three years. Even Rachel, she was super cute but it was never really the.. Stomache butterflies, heart racing, can't stop staring at you, can't help but smile huge when you look at me even though it gives me away 100%, type of crushing. Like the soul-crushing, I wish it wasn't the weekend so I could be seeing you type of crush. And I was actually really upset that I haven't had that in so long and really wishing that I couldn't find it..

And now that I have it... Actually naw. I wouldn't give this feeling up for anything. Even knowing that taking it away would also take away the hurt of never having it be anything else.

Also I turned down ice cream???

Stressed and Messed

I'm legit laying here so conflicted. This is so dumb. I know I'm using this as my weight loss forum but fuck it. I want this dude so bad, and I will never have him. And now I'm trying to decide how to go about my next steps because I have options. There's a dude I work with that wants to bang, and he's pretty fuckin attractive, I just don't know him as a person. There's also a few other options I have on tinder. I'm having a huge libido issue where... It's just going off. I really don't want a relationship (unless it's with gc😍 but we've already established that's simply not happening) I just want a "friend" I can have really good sex with on the regs, and I feel like the dude I work with could be that person, I just worry that things will get awkward at work if I do. However it's a big fkn call center and we don't even work in the same room, I never see him. Another problem is what if he catches feelings???
Another problem is.. What if gc wants me too, and decides to have some big reveal right after I start shit up with this dude??! Fuck man. Fuck right off all of this shit is bull and I just.. I want gc. If I could have just been perfect, I wouldn't have to be lying here considering whether or not I'm gunna fuck this dude just in case on the offhand chance gc wants me too and I don't wanna fuck things up with him by sleeping with some rando dude we both work with???


.....this is messed up. When did I get so messed up over a dude. I'm bisexual with a huge preference for women, and that preference is there for a goddamn reason. What am I doinnggggg😔😔😔😔

Oy.

I kow. I totally know, I'm absolutely ridiculous.
I don't even know where to begin here. I cant believe I started this journal actual YEARS ago, and still haven't gotten anywhere near my goal. But alas... as always.. I'm back. And you know.. one thing I've gotta give myelf credit for is that, after all this time, at least I have legitimately been losing weight. Just...really... really fucking slowly. Started at 325, got down to 300 when I started making this. After a while on here I got down to 265-270ish.. and now I'm at 258. I believe this is the lowest I've ever been.
Just a quick update from my last couple posts, that girl and I split up. Turns out she had absolutely no sexual interest in me whatsoever. So that was fun for me. Got all hung up on someone, got happiness dangled in front of my face, and then ripped right back like a sick joke. That's okay though, she ended up not being what I truly wanted, anyways.

So for a few months now, (because I went back up in weight, of course... when don't I.) I've been working on weight loss, but it's been pretty slow going. Lately, though, I've had a change in work. I've switched contracts in my call center and am smack dab in the middle of my months worth of training with a brand new wave of people. And one of those people has basically... changed the game for me. I like him, a lot, and unfortunately he's pretty fucking beautiful and has girls all over him, so that kinda sucks, but I like him so much that I've found myself in this mentality that... I can't do this anymore. I can't sit by and watch as someone that I want THIS MUCH go by without making any kind of attempt to find happiness with them because... they're just too perfect and they make me smile too much. I want it all and I don't think I'm gunna let myself have that if I'm unhappy with my body.

I've officially become more than halfway to my goal! I'm on MyFitnessPal (intermittenly) and I actually wasn't really keeping track of something like that until I logged my weight today and it let me know. 325 start, 200 goal. 67/125 pounds lost so far! Hoorayyy :D I also took a look back in these notes and got the measurements I had from way back when I was 300.
Arms: 19"
Legs: 34"
Waist: 52"
Hips: 59 1/2"
Oof. Well, the arms haven't changed, and not sure what my legs are 'cause I'm too lazy to measure them but I also am happy with what they look like (amazing!!) so screw that, just hips and waist.

Arms: 19"
Waist: 46"
Hips: 54"

So that's pretty increds. Six entire inches off my waist, and five off my hips? Which I measure with my belly. So that's... incredible to me. I took a few ugly underwear shots as well to be able to compare my body shots, but I just went back and saw the photos of me when I was 300 that are on here and got kinda mortified, and then really proud of myself for being able to .... I mean, I'm kinda mostly at the point where my belly doesn't stick out farther than my boobs. I have never been at that point in my entire life. I can't explain how happy that makes me, and if that's what I feel like with that, imagine what I'm gunna feel like when this is finally all over and all I have to worry about is maintaining. Part of me is worried about the "maintenance" once I've hit my goal, but at the same time, it can't be anywhere near as stressfull as the constant state of unhappiness and unmet goals and all this bullshit put together, while just dealing with being fat in the first place, lord. If all I had to worry about was maintaining where I already was, while being super happy about being there in the first place? Piece of cake.
As for the pictures, though, I'm gunna post them when this is all over. Not yet, though. I do need to take some new pictures to show where I am, but that can wait for now.
Well... I'm gunna go now. I actually kinda feel like super crap right now.

Ladylooooooove part two

so like. so like she's so cute omg. I don't know how to handle how cute she is. she's chubby but like it looks good on her and she's so cute and perf for meeee.
but anyways. so basically she wants to lose weight, and i wanna look good for her ;) ;) so i'm doing this again. doin the couting calories thing again. doin it allll. god i'm so tired why did i choose to start this right before going to bed, i'm so stupid.
i just wanted to gush about how cute she is.
(really cute.)
i need to lose 75 pounds. actually i want to lose 75 pounds in two years, before i turn 27. 75 before 27. cause 27 is my year, the year i'm completely out of debt, the year i go back to school for nursing, the year i hopefully can move out on my own, and the damn year i reach my goal weight already. 27 years of obesity is enough. it's time.
but then how many times have i said enough is enough and then fallen right back where i was. siiigh. we shall see. but i want this time to work because i wanna wear some gorgeous lingerie and be all sexy thick thighs but less flabby belly, you know? and she's so gorgeous i feel so awkward around her all the time because she's just
damn.

Ladylooooove

Okaaaay. Soooo. It's been... a while. You know what, I didn't even look at the dates actually. Butttt I'm back bitchessss! So, I don't have much time, because I need to leave for my bus in five minutes and I'm still not even dressed, but okay. Huge life event change that's made me rethink everything. Like... EVERYTHING. So I got al "fuck this" and content to be whatever I was. I'd go on long walks (from work to home which is about two hours) to offset my (incredibly) unhealthy eating habits, but that basically kept me where I was. I have NO idea how much I weigh as our scale broke, so I'm just working off guessing work here, but I'm pretty sure I'm pretty much while I left off before. I think this because I went to a wedding a month or so ago and I was like 267, but then I ate like a fucking pig and stopped walking for a while soooo I'd probably guess I'm around 275 :/ jeans are starting to not-fit-properly again. So.
I...have a girlfriend now :$ and she's honestly the ... cutest.... most amazing person ever and I will go into details on my next post but I needed to do this post before I left for work to keep it in my head. This livejournal thing did work for me for a long time so I needed to get myself back into it ASAP and keep me there, with the motivation of having a girlfriend.. that I wanna be the best for. (the verrryy best, like no one ever wasss..bahahah)
but anyways.
time for work!
Alright, so. It's been a few weeks. Like five or six since I got back from that vacation. Yeah, shit got a little bit fucked up.Those pepperettes were on sale for like three weeks, and I kept buying them..chocolate milk kept going on sale, so I kept buyin that. But On the whole, I haven't been doing too bad as far as eating goes. Although, my mom and I did order pizza a few times, and chinese food once. And I had swiss chalet. Okay, so I haven't been that great. But When I haven't been eating those, which didn't happen all too often throughout the last month and a half, I've been eating healthy.
As far as the gym goes, I'm still going... but when I posted before, I was going four days a week. Now I'm down to one. I'm gunna try and bump it up to at least two days a week, 'cause I know one day is for sure not enough.
As for my "weight loss goal", I think it fucked me up a bit. Because three pounds is a whole hell of a lot to lose (I think the Biggest Loser ruined me for acceptable and healthy weight loss?) and so once I shot back up, I freaked out thinking I wasn't going to make my weight loss goals for the week, and so I just threw it all out the window and had a week where I did nothing but stuff my face.
So, with all that said and out of the way, I'm down to 273.5. I had went back up to 285 and was hovering around there for a while, so I'm actually kinda glad I'm closer to the 260's than the 280's.
I went to the weed march on May 3rd with Nadia, and instead of grabbing a shit ton of unhealthy food from the carts and shit, I brought a bunch of fruit and she brought sandwiches. Not that I ate much that day anyways, I hate eating in front of people and there were a LOT of people there.
I'm going to Acen with Heather in a few days, and I'm kinda worried about how much I'll be eating then, but it's also walking around all day for three-four days straight, so I'm hoping that kinda balances out. I'm planning on doing Bento Boxes, getting a bunch of healthy -or almost healthy- food, and bringing it with me.
I'm not drinking nearly enough water. When I'm at work, it's easier for me to do so, but when I'm here at home I just forget. Constantly. Even if there's a big water bottle sitting right beside me, full, I just don't even think about it. So I'll go entire days without water, and I haven't worked in the last three days <.< So I need to figure out a way to cut that shit out.
We didn't smoke nearly as much as we thought we would at the march, so I've got some left over. I was kinda worried that getting high might make me eat everything in the fridge and forget about going to the gym, but I've actually been really good with it. A pear takes me forever to eat when I'm stoned, and then I feel really full. It's kinda perfect.
Anyways. I really need to sift through all these entries and find my first measurements.. I'm down to a 46" waist, and I've no idea what I started out from but that's two inches smaller than it was when I got back from my vacation! Really glad about that, OH
OH
AND I'VE BEEN DOING THE INSANITY WORKOUT! Damn, How could I forget about that shit? Fucks me up. Seriously. I haven't done it in like a week and a half because I've been doing it with this girl I work with, Angel. She's big too, but not nearly as big as I am. She bought it, and so we were doing it in her basement. I'm really good for the first like 20 minutes of it, and then the last 20 minutes are exercises I physically can't do, most of the time, like fuckin... push-up-jumping jacks. Like come the fuck on. But instead of just standing there waiting for them to finish that particular exercise, I do something else that they did earlier on in the video. Honestly, it's insanely intense and not meant for people as big as I am to attempt... it's more suited for mildly overweight people trying to get super-fit. But when I was doing it like every other day, it was working miracles. Except the days I decided to do that and go to the gym in the same day, those were bullshit days.
Anyways, This is plenty long enough now. Later<3

Jesus Christ I'm My Own Nightmare

So, it happened. Right after halloween, actually. See, what happened is that's the same month I went to go visit my family, eating like shit the entire time I was there. Plus Halloween. Plus Christmas. And then after Christmas it was like.. I couldn't stop eating junk food. Like, there wasn't a day I went to work that I didn't buy SOMETHING. And usually it was multiple somethings. I went right back up to 285, the weight I was when I moved here a year ago. A year, and no progress made. I mean...for real? Seriously? Did I really just do that to myself. All in the span of a few months. I guess this taught me that no matter how much weight I lose, it's so incredibly easy to just... gain it all back in a moment's time. I knew I was getting smaller when I was in the 250's, but I didn't realize how much smaller. I was only 50 pounds away from my serious goal weight at that time. More than halfway done all in all. I didn't see exactly how much that really meant. But I saw every single bit of it going back up. Just how much bigger I was getting. Just how much tighter all my new clothes started fitting. My jeans make me look fucking stupid now. My coat almost didn't fit me when I was at 285. I had to suck in just to get it on. And the buttons looked terrible, being pulled like that across the expanse of my body. I'm down a bit, now, since I got back from visiting my brother again. I had been 275 before that trip two weeks ago, I gained a whopping ten pounds in that three week vacation. In all fairness, we were dealing with his mother in law being in the hospital, she's got kidney cancer now, and we just didn't have the time or the energy to be cooking. We pretty much lived off fast food while I was there. Then I went to my best friend Nadia's place, and that was a junk food massacre. We played card games using candy as betting chips, to give you an idea.
So when I got back two weeks ago, I was 285. I'm now 278, after changing my diet drastically and going to the gym again, but things are still getting fucked up. I bought a pack of peperettes the other day and damn near ate the whole pack in the span of a few hours. And the only reason why I didn't eat it faster is because I was at work, and could only have them on my breaks. I WAS at 276 before that whole thing happened.
Anyways. Going to the gym's a bit easier this time around. I mean, I'm a lot less energetic and my endurance is way down from the first gym experience where I was training with Azar. But okay. I'm way happier going there by myself, being there by myself... it's just better. I didn't like Azar constantly badgering me about how many stretch marks I had, or how my fat percentage wasn't going down as fast as she liked. And I'm happier now that I'm going to a different gym than my mother, because it was just annoying as balls working out in the same gym as her, walking to and from the gym together.. I didn't like it, and it made me not want to go more than actually being there and working out. I'm glad I'm not going to the gym with Courtney anymore, because all she ever wanted to do was walk on the treadmill for 45 minutes and talk. I'm not about that.

Going by myself and not feeling like I have to talk to anyone or hold a conversation, feeling like I can go do whatever I want and be done with the whole gym thing for the day... not constantly worrying if someone wants to go home sooner or later than I want to, just.. all of it. I like going by myself. I like choosing times I want to go, like 9pm when no one else is there and I basically have the gym to myself and no one is just...sitting beside me watching me workout. I hate that.
I just need to keep going. I don't want to be this big again. I hate that I let myself get back to where I was a year ago after all my hard work.
I'm setting actual goals now. That's something I wasn't doing before. I want to have lost 20 pounds by May. I'm down 7, so 13 more to go. I think that's reasonable. It's three pounds a week, and before the peperettes fiasco I was farther along than that. Now I'm 1 pound behind. But I'm okay with that, I'm just going to brush myself off and go on, and leave my damn debit card at home.

Anyways. I'm gunna go finish the walking dead. The finale came out last night but I was too busy watching Shameless to bother catching up enough to watch it. I'm still on the episode before the finale. So yeah. And then I think I'll dance around a bit, just 'cause I don't have work today so going to the gym is literally the only physically taxing thing I'll be doing today otherwise. So yeah. Here I go.

Well hello there, long lost friends!

I know this looks completely typical. Fat girl joins a few calorie counting and journaling sites swearing she's going to lose weight, but as the weeks and/or months go by her entries become less and less.... and the next thing you know she comes back after no posts for months saying she's gained 50 pounds.

NOT ME! Clearing that up right now. I've actually lost weight, just...a bit slower than I was before. But you know.
I'm also going to the gym again... I've been back a few times now, some with my mother (ugh.. don't even... just ugh.) some with a person I work with... it's been okay. I've been eating more junk food than I should be, I'll admit, but it's nothing - absolutely nothing compared to how I used to be. And I'm still eating healthy with my meals. I'm down to 256! Which, I know, isn't exactly a significant weight loss for the last few months of me doing whatever in the grand scheme of things, but hey, I'm happy with it. It's significant to me! I'm in the 250's, bitch. And that means my grand total of pounds lost to date is a whopping 69!! (Please, please don't let me be alone in the wiggling of the eye brows or the "bow chicka wow wow's")

Before, I wanted to think I wasn't racing towards getting fit and healthy, but really I was - consumed by it. But lately.. I don't know. People that I see every day have started noticing that, yeah, I'm not just bullshitting.. I actually am losing weight. I'm starting to see the differences in my body a lot easier now, starting to realize how small I am compared to what I was before.. not that I'm small - not by any stretch, but I'm.. smaller. A lot smaller. A lot healthier. That's the easiest to see through all this, how much healthier I am.

Anyways, I don't really even know why I'm posting this... I kind of lost all motivation to post, ever. Really, I just want to keep this updated so that when I'm 25 and fit as a motherfucker, I want to look back at these posts and remember how hard it was in the beginning.. how much of a struggle this whole thing was, and everything I went through. I think it's important.. and it'll keep me from turning back. I don't want to turn back. Even as I sit here thinking about wings and poutines and pizza, I don't want to turn back.

I made it through halloween without too much damage, but damn, did I ever succumb to that shit! I could have gone a lot worse, though, that's for damn sure.
Anyways, I suppose that's it for now. Tata, my lovelies!

Oh, How the Might Have Fallen

I was doing so well. And now here I am. Still about 270. But for a moment, I was in the 260's... and I felt so good. What happened to that?
Well, I got some news recently. Long story short, the bombings in Boston have had their effects on the governmet, and the new laws on immigration mean my brother will never be able to immigrate to the states. So they're packing up, and moving back to Canada... to Toronto. And I'll be joining them. I've got a job here that I actually love, yes, and I'm finally making progress on paying off my bills, but I'm so unhappy here. I'm living with my mother, whom I hate more than I can express, in a cramped one-room space.. no kitchen and carpeted. Yeah. I'm in the basement of an annoying woman with her three loud, obnoxious daughters. I have no friends here, nor do I necessarily want to make any.. most of the people I've met here are extremely boring. Not into what I have interest in at all. I'm such a geek, and I'm pretty good at finding other geeks such as myself..but nope. None. :(
So I'm extremely excited at the prospect of moving back. However..
I'm terrified. The relationship between myself and my sister in law is..... shaky. I'll say shaky. I think having me working and doing my own thing will help, but I'm sure some of the same shit's going to go down.
The money situation. With the four of us living together, it's going to be more expensive than what I'm currently paying. Rent will be more, also there's about a 2% chance I'll actually get a job within walking distance, like I have here, so I'll have to pay travel expenses, and with all of us living together... it's just a known fact that money just disappears. So.. I'm going to try my best to keep my money separate from them this time, only contributing my share equally, but.. last time I was handing over my entire paychecks every time, and then going without lunch or breakfast most days. With tattered clothing, I remember counting six shirts, one of which had no holes in them, two pairs of pants and one bra. I had no bed, still don't, a four year old pair of shoes, going to school and working, or just straight working when it was summer, making for 19 hour days no matter what, coming home to a rotten disgusting apartment because no one at home wanted to clean..even though two of them didn't work or go to school. Having my phone stolen from me and being promised that I'll get a new one, until all of a sudden I have a $1600 bill and no phone in sight. They just sat at home all day. So yeah. I'm terrified. So scared that I'll just fall back into my old pattern of letting them have everything from me, and not giving back. And turning to eating to make myself feel better.
Well, I already layed down one law. I'm responsible for my own grocery shopping. I said that right off the bat, I will not go back to eating pizza rolls for dinner (as much as I want to.) But being in charge of my own groceries also maybe hints at being responsible for my own money, and how I spend it. Part of the problem last time, and how it got so out of control, is that my brother needed to use my bank account. His is unusable because of the debt he has with them. That situation hasn't changed, and he'll probably still need to use mine. But I've been thinking about opening up a second account anyways. I work at Shoppers Drug Mart, and they have this Optimum card that you use every time you buy something at the store to collect points, and those points, once you've saved enough, give you money off whatever purchases you want to make. They also have a deal with RBC where if you get a bank card with them, you can get points whenever you use the card..not just in the store. So I could go to walmart, or the grocery store, and leave with a whole bunch of points. But I already have my scotia bank card. So why not have both, so that I can just give him access to one, and put whatever money I need to contribute onto it, plus some extra just in case. And that would keep his and my paychecks separate. Happy ending!
Ok. Sounds like a foolproof plan, but my brother is an incredibly smart man. He'll know what I'm doing. And I'll have to explain my reasons to him. He won't be angry with me or anything, but.. I don't know. I just know he won't like it. I think. I don't know. I think he'll feel like I don't trust him with money. And I do, entirely. Until it comes to Barb. He can't say no to her. So three or four nights a week, she'll crave something sweet and salty. And they'll go to the store and buy $40 of junk. I can't do that anymore. Not if I want to get my life in order.
*Sigh* Well, I'm gunna end this here, because I have to get ready for the gym now or I'll never go. So... ta ta  for now :| Hopefully this means I'm back?